America. . . land of the free and home of the brave!
I'd like to give a shout out to my peeps in the homeland. . . and to those of you who have not received an update lately, here it is. Happy New Year, I hope yours was as good as mine. First, in the Muslim tradition, I slaughtered a camel. I have 2 roommates and one of them is in America, so I used her room for the throat-slitting and blood-letting. It was cool, I was able to make grilled cheese and camel sandwiches for my friends.
In professional news, I submitted an essay to an anthology and was rejected in the most polite way you could imagine. It was my first official rejection letter and after I chewed a few bottles of pills and shined up the razor blades, I started writing something new. It's about this girl who likes to travel and becomes a terrorist and kills some publishers. . .
School is going well, the juniors have settled down and stopped stabbing me, kicking me in the stomach and locking me in corridors. I've developed some authority somehow. For a while there, I thought I was going to have to line them up and pick one to kill in front of the others as a show of strength to get the rest to behave. I also thought about challenging the Lord of the Flies ringleader to a cage match, but he would never give me the conch and I would have gotten in trouble if I slapped him across the face with my leather riding gloves. They tortured me for the first month or so, but then I did what anybody should do when being attacked by 7 and 8 year olds when tazers are still banned in the classroom - I called their moms. I've gotten to the point where I can actually say they're pretty cute. And so are man-eating pandas. Totally adorable. Today they were showing me how if you sit improperly in your chair, you can fall backwards and break your spine and die.
Turkey is still pretty cool. I recently had a visitor - the Pope. He came for Hanukkah. If you ever want him to come to your Festival of Lights shindig - gotta ask in advance - it's like his favorite holiday what with the fire and latkes and all - so he accepts the first invitation to hit the Vatican. So Po-po and I were chillin in my low-rider, cruising the malls and eating kebaps. It was awesome.
In 4 weeks, I am heading to the United States to eat my weight in bacon and cheese popcorn so I'm hoping to see as many people as possible. Especially if you owe me money. Cheers!
In professional news, I submitted an essay to an anthology and was rejected in the most polite way you could imagine. It was my first official rejection letter and after I chewed a few bottles of pills and shined up the razor blades, I started writing something new. It's about this girl who likes to travel and becomes a terrorist and kills some publishers. . .
School is going well, the juniors have settled down and stopped stabbing me, kicking me in the stomach and locking me in corridors. I've developed some authority somehow. For a while there, I thought I was going to have to line them up and pick one to kill in front of the others as a show of strength to get the rest to behave. I also thought about challenging the Lord of the Flies ringleader to a cage match, but he would never give me the conch and I would have gotten in trouble if I slapped him across the face with my leather riding gloves. They tortured me for the first month or so, but then I did what anybody should do when being attacked by 7 and 8 year olds when tazers are still banned in the classroom - I called their moms. I've gotten to the point where I can actually say they're pretty cute. And so are man-eating pandas. Totally adorable. Today they were showing me how if you sit improperly in your chair, you can fall backwards and break your spine and die.
Turkey is still pretty cool. I recently had a visitor - the Pope. He came for Hanukkah. If you ever want him to come to your Festival of Lights shindig - gotta ask in advance - it's like his favorite holiday what with the fire and latkes and all - so he accepts the first invitation to hit the Vatican. So Po-po and I were chillin in my low-rider, cruising the malls and eating kebaps. It was awesome.
In 4 weeks, I am heading to the United States to eat my weight in bacon and cheese popcorn so I'm hoping to see as many people as possible. Especially if you owe me money. Cheers!
posted by Rachel Bergman, Vampire Hunter at 3:16 PM
2 Comments:
achael, you ROCK and so does your writing about your travels. My suggestion is to throw out the fiction and submit your true stories. Change your name if it helps but you are hillarious!
-elizabeth in China
Thanks! I actually decided to do exactly that. I'll be sending you a draft soon as it starts with China. . .and how I learned to hate the color RED.
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